Endlessly haunted

The weird thing about Kurt Cobain is that he was at some point a practising Christian but ended up turning his back on God so badly he regularly made a habit out of mocking him (I do have a desire to deliberately sin, but when I do it often backfires). Surely he became a fairly successful musician thereafter but if he did make a deal with the Devil, it didn’t go well for him and ultimately he killed himself. There were times I prayed to the Devil but eventually a cat got sick and two dogs died, this event got me into praying for a cousin to quit her interest in black magic and to cope with her admitting into this thing whenever she felt bad. Admitting I kind of offload or project my problems onto her whenever I pray for her, to keep myself from being too triggered and offended by my past actions, it’s kind of habitual as of late. And there were instances where I got mad at God whenever bad things happen, to the point of losing my faith and that really hurt my feelings a lot.

I wonder if Kurt Cobain underwent something similar at some point, but one where he’s unable to get over this for long. Or at least work to learn to make peace with God, however difficult it tends to be (as it is with me). If I’m not mistaken Mr Cobain didn’t take to his parents’ divorce well and it did negatively affect his mental health, to the point where he might have unresolved trauma. I remember somebody on Reddit saying my struggle to forgive stems from being so traumatised that I really need to heal from this to truly overcome these vices of mine, since they said that these are surface level and God’s interested in healing the longterm hurts I’ve sustained from being abused so often in life. That might explain why I strive to control the outcome to keep losses from happening, even when they’r not always successful as it is with me before sometimes due to my own shortcomings. It’s kind of hard to trust God when you’ve been made helpless and hopeless for so long, that you have this feeling he’ll hurt you or abandon you when something bad happens. I even think Cobain likely had unresolved trauma, but one where he seemed unable to bother trying to get over it.

Despite having a lot of chart-topping songs that get a good amount of airplay (and streams as of late), he never seemed truly happy in life due to his own unresolved issues, that he seemed truly unable to get over the hurt he’s endured. The bullying he faced, his parents divorcing, even having work stress from time to time. He never seemed happy and doing drugs seem to be one other way to cope with it, it’s like having a cousin who turns to porn to calm herself down. She is happy when she’s happy, but when she’s angry she turns to porn to stop this. It’s not a good coping mechanism but if she had been socialised to try not giving into negative feelings, it would be hard hiding a healthier coping mechanism that turning to porn seems like doing the lesser evil in a weird way, even if all sins are bad in God’s eye. It’s no different with Cobain having done drugs at various points, that it seems to be the lesser evil to admitting his actual problems to people. If because admitting it is kind of shameful, like the time I got mad at somebody for disliking cats that I obsessed over abused dogs instead.

I got over this but these images haunt me to no end and it gets me to praying to this cousin to stop stoning dogs and to cope with her admitting she abuses dogs to calm down, but this also implies she might have another bad coping mechanism when dealing with anger (the whole be angry and don’t sin thing). That without a healthier outlet to express it, she turns to one bad coping mechanism after another. If she doesn’t bully people, she abuses dogs. If she doesn’t abuse dogs, she reads smut instead. She might have gotten into trouble with her late or former husband for abusing dogs whenever she gets angry (the whole ‘sin/vice finds you out’), that she lost him due to being a massive pervert (as it still counts as infidelity in a way). Realistically Cobain would’ve still struggled with sin, but would actively strive to repent and do better, even if his attempts might backfire in ways he never anticipated (as it is with me before in an effort to not be proud, but missing a sermon due to my anger). In some sense, he might be a mirror image of not only myself, but also my cousin.

In the sense of being fairly successful with a family, but internally suffering so much that they both have bad coping mechanisms to deal with it. Cobain does this with drugs and blasphemy, my cousin with dog abuse, bullying and porn. None of them are healthy, but this point out to struggles with their own emotions that make it harder for them to find a healthier way of dealing with them at all, because they weren’t taught to deal with it in a better way and that these are the only options they knew, even when alternatives are possible. That doesn’t necessarily mean my cousin’s always this bad, she likely strives to be better but is in some kind of stronghold due to her pain that she likely knows and is coming to terms with, though it’s also something she struggles being honest about. If because the things she does in private are really shameful and shocking, like kicking the family dog to calm down, or reading porn and bullying people to do the same thing, despite being told by her late or former husband to quit doing any or all of them. These are coping mechanisms when dealing with the anger and stress that gets built up in her, but the way she vents them out leaves much to be desired.

Or Cobain for another matter where it seems he’s unable to get over the trauma that haunted him for years, that instead of striving to do better and even becoming open to better options, he doubled down on making depressing songs and blaspheming God that he never truly escaped the pain he endured for years.

They’ve been gone astray

When it comes to Nakita pointing out that Stray Kids’s own manager, JY Park, is a false teacher and he does a lot to lead people astray, it does make people wonder why he’d call this band as such? Pretending to be a pastor yet doing a lot to the contrary at times, even calling himself the Asian counterpart to P Diddy (who’s involved in human trafficking himself) and possibly molesting or abusing his own trainees even, what sort of man he really is and why he’ll be judged for this. Nakita went on saying that when the Stray Kids first appeared in public, they weren’t this muscular before. She went on saying that K-Pop is anti-Christian, because it promotes and propagates worldly values a lot.

For the longest period in my life, I listened to a lot of secular music. But as of late, the closer I get to God, the less time I have for secular music even when I felt like doing this at times. I’m still not there yet, getting it wrong even when I wanted to do right many times over, it kind of hurts not doing the good you want to do. He also made groups I have listened to before Stray Kids got big, something like Wonder Girls (I Got Nobody But You) and Miss A. The weird thing about K-Pop is that I listened to that sort of music before, but I never developed a strong fascination with any K-Pop band. Even more remarkable still is that at this point in my life, I have some interest in K-Pop but never particularly interested in any one K-Pop musician and band for long. Well I know some people who’re way more into K-Pop than I’ll ever be.

One wrote for various outfits like Teen Vogue, Rebellion (what a minute, does this tie into what K-Pop’s been doing all along?) and the like over the years, the other is also a Backstreet Boys whose very own JY Park is none other than Brian Littrell. Not so much that he’s the manager of the group, but in the sense of being an outspoken Christian who does a lot to the contrary. When Burk Parsons got interviewed by Tim Challies years ago, he said that Littrell was going to serve in ministry himself. He also said that he was going to be part of the Backstreet Boys himself, but by following God’s plan he dodged a bullet. Otherwise we could’ve gotten porn fanfics of Burk Parsons on somewhere like AO3, there was a time when these stories were called visuals during the height of the Backstreet Boys’ popularity.

It would be painfully horrid if all the Backstreet Boys have fans for mistresses, but it seems Littrell seems more wedded to the world than he thinks of himself as. It’s even odder still to think that his contemporary Zac Hanson is actually living out the dream he had before, who also came from the same background as he did. But once Hansongate happened to him, it was that pivotal moment that drew him back to God, and his walk back to him was certainly awkward since I also backslided before and come from the same background as he did. Just replace Eastern Orthodoxy with Roman Catholicism, even though I’ve yet to convert to Catholicism myself. But even then there’s something wrong with Littrell choosing to love the world, even though he’s a Christian that it seems he might be double-minded.

Or perhaps he might not be double-minded at first, but he never stops his bandmates from blaspheming God, abusing people themselves (especially Nick Carter over the years), so on and so forth that he practically enables them. Or that being around in their company for so long it has dulled his judgement of sin, but either way it seems Brian Littrell arguably got worse over time. It’s really oddly telling why Brian Littrell never really quit the limelight for long to focus more on doing church service in private, the way both Zac Hanson and Jenny Berggren of Ace of Base (also a contemporary of the Backstreet Boys) did or ended up doing, the Berggren siblings survived a stalker attack but got one of them traumatised for long as to retire from the spotlight in order to take time to recover and heal. This also got Berggren closer to God this way.

Even then it seems there’s something wrong about the Backstreet Boys where it’s telling that when somebody on YouTube insinuated that people like him are arrogant (I struggle with this as well) and a radio preacher insinuated that people like him are wicked, it’s telling why Brian Littrell ended up this way that if he did start out wanting to serve God in earnest but got off-track for long and never repented, never tried doing better in any way the next time comes and stuff, it seems he’ll die at any point along with all his colleagues. Or JY Park and his family for another matter for corrupting people, that ultimately both Stray Kids and Backstreet Boys are going to be doomed in the future and so will the entire K-Pop industry. Even more alarming is when the entire K-Pop industry collapses for good.

Never to be seen again in any form along with its counterparts on anywhere else in East Asia, including the Philippines when it comes to P-Pop.